One bipolar person’s drug regimen

Currently, I take 8 medications for psychiatric reasons. I’ve also been on many others — including most of the atypical antipsychotics, several anticonvulsants, antidepressants, and more. These are my current drugs ranked in terms of how essential they are (if, for example, I could only get some of them, perhaps due to a catastrophe):

  1. Lithium — Big Pharma has yet to come up with something better. It could never be patented, it wasn’t paid for by anybody. It actually works. And it’s all-natural. But also, it sucks. Nature is brutal.
  2. Haldol — Indispensable, though I might be switching to Thorazine in the near future. I don’t picture myself living without an antipsychotic again. Typicals seem to work better for me than atypicals did, though I’ve notably NOT tried Risperdal (even though it’s a good fit for my symptoms) or clozapine. Both were considered, though.
  3. Ativan (lorazepam) — My symptoms tend to cluster around anxiety, insomnia, and irritability — maybe paranoia — all things helped by benzodiazepines. If it were not so problematic, I might have ranked it #2. It’s the best immediate symptom relief I can get aside from maybe sublingual Zyprexa (olanzapine).
  4. Adderall — I would never actually achieve anything in life without Adderall. That said, my need to do something with my life is inherently superseded by my need to be alive, which is why it ranks #4.
  5. Lamotrigine (Lamictal) — An anticonvulsant medication. It seems to be doing something, because I become depressed without it. Though I’m not exactly sure what it’s doing.
  6. Gabapentin — I’m supposed to be using it for anxiety to offset my lorazepam use. It’s also useful for severe headaches. I still feel the pain, but I kind of don’t care, like the pain just doesn’t command my attention.
  7. Clonidine — It’s a blood pressure med, but I’m using it for insomnia. I cycle through medications for insomnia because they all lose their effectiveness eventually. I haven’t been on clonidine before so I don’t know how long it will be useful for. Other drugs I’ve used for sleep: Trazodone, Remeron, Ativan, Seroquel (and other atypical antipsychotics)…
  8. Diphenhydramine (Benadryl) — An OTC drug! The original antihistamine. I take it as 50mg softgels (two of them, which is slightly more than the bottle indicates — consult your doctor). Sometimes works for sleep, not super reliable and fades quickly. Useful if I have a cold or flu because Sudafed is not the best choice for my wiring. Also potentially protective against Haldol-induced side effects. So overall, something I take regularly, but not every day.

Anyone want to share their regimen?


Dreams & Interpretations (part 1)

I didn’t used to have a lot of dreams. Over the past few years, I’ve starting having more, some of them very vivid and strange. In this series of blog posts I’m going to attempt to find common themes within these dreams. I’m not analyzing them in the psychoanalytic sense; I’m merely looking at the composition of the dream and how it relates to itself and my life.

Body Horror

Dream: I’m suddenly unable to talk or make any sounds. I try to cry for help, but no sound comes out. I open my mouth and feel a string coming out of it. Slowly, I pull the string, and realize that a tampon is lodged in my throat. I gag and continue pulling the string, and eventually the tampon comes out and blood gushes out of my throat. I wake up.


Interpretation: This is actually a recurring dream I’ve had, although I haven’t had it for quite some time. It’s probably the one of the most aggressively transgender dreams I’ve ever had.


Safety Checks

Dream: I wake up in the middle of the night in a hospital bed. Dark, shadowy figures appear in the little window of my door and then vanish. I wake up.

Interpretation: Another recurring dream, often at the end of other dreams, like the first one. This one I used to have after my discharge from South Oaks Hospital. I didn’t like it there, and this dream (a fairly accurate representation of nighttime safety checks) was the result of my stress.


Trust Issues

Dream: I wake up in my hospital room to an electronic jostling sound, like an InkJet printer, coming from the vent above my bed. I go to get my vitals taken and eat breakfast in the day room, mentioning to a nurse that there was this weird sound in my room. I retire back to my bed. Two people step into the room, wearing white coats, and I expect them to be doctors — but I don’t recognize them. One of them pins me to the bed and the other injects me with a strange liquid, which makes the world hazy. I realize that these people must be scientists and the InkJet printer sounds must be their machines. Their injection was supposed to make me lose my memories of it.


I wake up later in the day, with my memories still intact — the serum didn’t work. Thankful, I decide I better contact someone. I call my psychiatrist on the phone and tell her that alien scientists are on the ward. “There are?” she says. “How do you know they’re scientists?” The white coats, I tell her. She assures me she will get to the bottom of this, but as we hang up, I realize my mistake: the alien scientists will simply wipe her memory.


I walk back to my room, but am confronted by the scientists in their white coats; I run in the opposite direction only to be stopped at the double locked doors with their “AWOL RISK DO NOT OPEN” signs. I laugh. Since their injection didn’t work on me, they’ll have to kill me. “I guess being killed by aliens is a pretty cool way to die,” I say. Suddenly, a beam of white energy enters my body and comes out through my palm, striking one of the alien scientists. He crumples to the ground, and his body slowly changes, reverse-aging until he is merely a fetus on the ground.


Interpretation: It seems fairly evident that the “alien scientists” in their white coats and brandishing IM injections are a stand-in for psychiatrists. What complicates that, though, is the fact that when I am looking for someone I trust to call, the first person I think of is my psychiatrist. So, there seems to be a distinction between trustworthy and untrustworthy psychiatrists. The reverse aging beam seems odd until it is considered that at the height of my psychiatric crisis I was age regressed into the mind of a child (an older child, I’d say 10-12 years old). In a way, what I inflict on them was the same pain I’d experienced myself. This might be a metaphor for opening up to them.


I’m lucky to have my bipolar disorder

There are times that I’ve felt cursed by having ultra-rapid-cycling, somewhat-atypically-presenting bipolar 1 disorder. My mood episodes are short (sometimes as short as one day, although usually lasting a few days to a week) and they can be very intense. I also suffer from mixed episodes, which are agonizingly painful to experience, and at times I have had profound suicidality that has led to multiple suicide attempts — one of which left me in a coma for three days and nearly claimed my life. Doctors said I wasn’t going to make it. But I did.

During the worst of times I’ve wished to have “classic” bipolar disorder instead of my bipolar disorder. In truth, “classic” features may be relatively rare; but it conjures the idea of long, bleak depressions punctuated by shorter, but still somewhat long, grandiose and euphoric manias. Separate and distinct periods of each, usually lasting for months at a time, with bouts of clean euthymia (wellness) in between.

I haven’t really experienced prolonged euthymia, instead merely catching glimpses of it over the course of my continuous ups and downs. My manias are “dirty” and dysphoric, tainted with depressive themes. My hypomanias are very productive; but if my mood spikes too high, my thoughts become dark and gruesome. If I were to jump off a building, it would be to kill myself, not because I believed I could fly.

And I’m also a researcher. Without a doubt, my research in the area of bipolar disorder draws upon my insights as a bipolar person. If I had “classic” bipolar disorder, the research I have done (some of it relying theoretically upon data collection of my own personal changes in mood) would not have been possible. Because I’m an ultra-rapid-cycler, I was able to capture long-term patterns that might take many years to become evident in “classic” bipolar disorder. I believe the same patterns exist in both, but when moods last for months at a time, it is harder to see those patterns.

My ability to detect patterns has served me well in life (including in my professional career) and to some extent, my bipolar disorder trained me to do it. Predicting my own mood was not only possible, thanks to the accelerated timeframe, but essential to my ability to cope with them. Part of the devastation of mixed episodes came with the loss of my ability to predict with reasonable accuracy when moods would peak or change and in what direction. Even so, I learned new patterns and slowly became able to tell what a “mixed episode” felt like, and whether I was experiencing one. This was not something I could do at first.

Insight into the emotions, cognitions, and memory issues that come along with my bipolar disorder developed over time, starting at an early age (as I first developed symptoms around the age of 10). In turn, this level of insight has allowed me to hypothesize connections no other researcher has yet seen. I understand firsthand how bipolar disorder intersects with changes in thinking and memory.

I have the opportunity to discern cause and effect in relation to changes in my mood much more easily than someone with “classic” bipolar disorder, thanks to the immediacy of any reactions. Upon hearing from my psychiatrist that nitrates in beef jerky were causally linked to mania, I took note of my own reactions. I had known for quite some time that beef jerky had a stimulant-like effect on me, but I was surprised to learn it did not have this effect on everyone. (Too bad!) I experience this stimulant-like effect almost instantly, while I’m still eating. The temporal proximity of the cause and the effect makes them easier to distinguish.

My bipolar disorder is a blessing and a curse. I have struggled immensely to control it, but I wouldn’t trade it for “classic” bipolar disorder or no bipolar disorder at all. The knowledge and abilities I have gained as a result of my battle with bipolar disorder — my bipolar disorder, not someone else’s — have actually, truly been indispensable to my life and my career. Plus, that excessively productive hypomania is pretty good too.